My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
