I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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