someone owes me an orgasm
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
