any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You were trust falling into bushes
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
