the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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