Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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