I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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