i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
