He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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