Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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