No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
