Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I think I just shit out all my problems.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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