i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
