I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
