i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize