My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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