I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
His hands were made for my vagina.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
