Got a toothbrush?
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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