I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
