Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
