Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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