I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize