note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I had to cum in my sink.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
