So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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