I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
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