I just pynch a tree in the face
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
