I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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