ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
