I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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