There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
