I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
