maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
