I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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