We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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