your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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