she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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