I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
