Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You can't motorboat a personality
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
pop tarts are not kleenex
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
A bitchslap is in order.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
