I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
