so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
