I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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