Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
