Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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