I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
