Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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