dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
