He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
