I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize