I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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