girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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