omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
