1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
