We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
