i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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