At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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