we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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